Processing the last few days, perhaps months, of the coronavirus

​It has been an interesting past few days but perhaps months including with the coronavirus.  I thought I would just share with a few of you on here.

I had been sick three times in the short period of the beginning of Dec 2019 to the beginning of Feb 2020.  It was very odd, strange, weird in regards to the symptoms, the duration, and that during the same time there were tons of chem trails in the sky.  I set the intention that the time spent laying around was for reading, meditation, contemplation, personal growth.  I was able to accomplish this some of the time but not all of the time.  I set out to surrender and to work on my ego and the hardest part...  how to deal with other peoples egos. Especially everyone's supplement advice and the trigger of not possibly taking good enough care of myself, even though, I am in touch with my body and know my body better than anyone. It triggers memories of my mother scolding me when I was younger for not taking good enough care of myself and that is why I am sick.  It felt then and unfortunately still feels now, like a punishment.  Even though, I now have the validation of Chronic Epstein Barr Virus and the blood work to prove it, it is still only so/so helpful because not many people know what Epstein Barr is.  And because the way I have decided to approach it is unconventional and unpopular.  However, I catch myself giving unsolicited supplement advice so I have to look in the mirror and karma is a bitch.  If I have ever given you unsolicited supplement advice, and I am sure I have, I apologize. 

The last time I was sick, it was nearly impossible to read, meditate, contemplate, or grow.  I felt impaired cognition and suppressed.  How interesting to feel so disempowered  this way so close to the election.  

During the third time I was sick I finally gave in a went to the MD at a clinic here in Healdsburg.  I was asked had I traveled internationally?  No  Had I come in contact with anyone who had been to China recently?  I don't know.  I work around sick people constantly.  If people are sick, they stay in unless they go to the grocery store, especially my department. When I let the receptionist know this, he rolled his eyes.  There was a thought that came into my head..  did I have the coronavirus?  All these symptoms I have had sure are strange, weird, odd.  I knew again it would be an "unpopular" thought so I stuffed it to the back of my mind.  

Now that the coronavirus has just entered the States, I don't buy it, I feel like its already been here.  But again, I stuff this "unpopular" thought to the back of my head.  Then last Saturday I come into work and 2 1/2 shelves of sanitizer gone! A co worker speculates that perhaps I already have had the coronavirus.  I am relieved to have someone I can joke about this with. I start making kits for people to make their own with essential oils, A co-worker prints off recipes for homemade sanitizer.  Then over then next few days we sell out of 70% isopropyl alcohol, sell out of aloe vera gel, start selling vodka.  People come in with stories of $100 dollar bottles of sanitizer on amazon, people getting shamed on facebook for sharing recipes of sanitizer that doesn't include alcohol or the wrong kind of alcohol, and the CDC doesn't know anything about essential oils. I laugh with relief that I am no longer on social media.  And now we have sold out of three shelves of zinc lonzenges, manufacturers are selling out of elderberry and Umka. The stress of the situation was emphasized with the digestive section.  If people weren't coming in for sanitizer and immune boosters, they were coming in for tums.  

During this time, I feel a deep dark depression.  Is part of it because I am inundated with panicked people for an 8 hour shift?  Especially during a mercury retrograde.  Also the increase in my husband working and the elections depressed me.  I reached out for help on a hope chat line.  I also wanted to vent and process about the economy and housing crisis in Northern California as well as this really depressing docuseries I saw on Netflix.  Instead of letting me vent and process, the person who was supposed to be holding space for me regardless if we saw eye to eye or not started messaging me about politics and called Californians liberals.  I messaged "I have clarity now."  meaning I have clarity to get off this chat with you.  I got off the chat line feeling unsupported by her but supported by the humor of the situation.    

Last night was interesting because at work we had one bottle of 70% of isopropyl alcohol left, one bag of zinc lozenges left, and a few bottles of locally made hand sanitizer (that dwindled down to 0 by the end of the night) left.  You can see the wheels turning on the customers brains as they decide if they should buy it or not.  

Perhaps they are saying to themselves...

"I already have some at home, I shouldn't buy the last bottle.  What if someone else needs it?  But I want to buy it just in case."

"I really want hand sanitizer but I don't want to spend $6.99 for it.  But even more, I don't want my wife pissed if I come home empty handed."

Perhaps they were feeling a duality.  Feeling fear but not wanting to feel fear. 

They pick it up and put it in their cart, perhaps even make it to the line with the purchase and return it.  

This happened with the alcohol atleast once, the zinc lozenges twice, and the last bottle of hand sanitizer a couple or few times. 

One person who did this with the alcohol let me know later that they have a  cousin who works in some health type department and the coronavirus has been here since November!  Ah Ha!  I knew it!  This could be true or misinformation.  But our minds should be open.  The most toxic thing about this is fear and stress.

I feel like this has been a really interesting surreal experience and I just wanted to share it, may add some observation, some open mindedness, and some humor to it, and help release some fear.  Thank you for reading and letting me share.